An important unit of study in the Health Curriculum is Human Growth and Development (AKA-Sex Ed). We neglect one very important aspect of Sex ED—the male sexual nature. Once upon a time people knew that the “Male Sexual Nature” was / is predatory. Let me define predatory — The male sexual nature is programmed to view women as sexual objects and also to desire to have sex with as many women as possible without consequence. (one major current example — Harvey Weinstein – he used his position and power to harass women). This nature was/has been controlled with strong moral expectations for men and societal values that worked to inhibit the male sexual nature. Once upon a time, women knew how to handle men and their “nature”. Women’s wisdom came from common sense, understanding human nature in general and the “male sexual nature” in particular. We are now 50 + years into the Sexual Revolution, standards have dropped and there are those who think men and women are the same in their sexual nature (Are women just as happy to have emotionless sex as men are?) .
This is a quote from Kevin, a male 24 year old recent college graduate who is 100% certain that he will get married someday. (He like so many of every generation expects to fall in love, marry and have kids. The median age of marriage is now approaching 30. His intention is to someday get married.)
*1 “I want to get married but not soon, because I am not done being stupid yet. I still want to go out and have sex with a million girls.” This is an example of the difference between men and woman. This is the Male Fantasy – to have sex with as many beautiful women as desired without risk of rejection or consequence. Consequence is STDs and the girl gets pregnant. An important part of the Male Fantasy is:
- a condom with protect me from an STD.
- a condom with prevent me from impregnating a girl/woman.
- an abortion will protect me from any parental responsibility.
- I will never be a part of a girl’s regret story.
- No one will ever comment to others saying Kevin is a CAD — even ME (CAD — a man who behaves dishonorably, especially toward a woman —the key word implies dishonor – being a real man has a lot to do with honor.)
- I will never look back and have regrets over how I conducted my life as a young man.
- Individual decisions are disconnected events and are not steps in a direction to a predictable destination. In other words, it doesn’t matter what I do today or tomorrow etc.
This male fantasy used to be known as destruction behavior that would ruin your life. According the WSJ (Cheap Sex and the Decline of Marriage) Kevin’s thinking is the new sexual norm for Americans, men and women alike, of every age.
Kevin continues, “Girls are easier to mislead than guys just by lying or just not really caring. If you know what girls want, then you know you should not give that to them until the proper time. If you do that strategically, then you can really have anything you want . . . whether it’s a relationship, sex or whatever. You have the control.” *1
There are 2 keys here:
Key #1 Know what girls want. A Woman’s Fantasy traditionally has been security and family — this is code for a husband with a good job and children. When a woman marries, she has achieved her fantasy. When a man marries, he gives up his fantasy (Kevin’s fantasy – I want to go out and have sex with a million girls) which ends up being good for him. It takes away his preoccupation with destructive behavior (being stupid) and a no win fantasy full of the very baggage that will prevent him from falling in love, getting married and having kids.
Key # 2 By the time Kevin is done being stupid, his character:
- is going to get in the way of having a good relationship with any girl.
- will disqualify him from any interest from the best and most desirable women (unless he has a lot of money and the desirable woman has calculated that because of the money, status and /or whatever is worth overlooking his past).
But, Kevin is 100% certain he will get married one day, whether he knows it or not he has established a good intention not a goal to be accomplished. If love, marriage, and kids are Kevin’s goals, then it matters what he does each day. What he does every day becomes his habit. Habits become his character traits that demonstrate a love of others / a you before me set of behaviors (patience, kindness, consideration, common sense, self-control,) necessary to successfully accomplish a stated goal. Kevin’s character + prioritizing his future goal over the desires of right now will make him attractive to someone.
Notice the difference between a goal and a good intention. The difference has to do with what you do after you specify what you want the most.
Kevin’s real goal is, “I want to get married but not soon, because I am not done being stupid yet. I still want to go out and have sex with a million girls.”
His habits will be to strategically pick the girl he won’t care about. He will know how to mislead and lie to her because he knows what she wants —his attention, to be treated well by him, that he shows his interest in her interests by participating in them with her, and a commitment. He will string her along to get what he wants (a relationship, sex, or whatever). His character traits developed while he grows tired of being stupid are all selfish / me before you behaviors such as: lying (persuasive skills), controlling / manipulating others and situations, and selfishness. None of these are attractive character traits.
A man really has to be in love to give up his fantasy. Selfish people don’t love others, they exploit /manipulate them for their own selfish purpose. Selfishness becomes their habit. Habits are hard to break.
(Kevin’s) Good Intention is— fall in love, get married and have kids.
Kevin’s immediate decisions involve: “I am not done being stupid yet. I still want to go out and have sex with a million girls” these are not isolated events — these are examples of steps along a path that will take Kevin 180 degrees away from I want to fall in love, get married and have kids.
Kevin’s steps — pick a girl he won’t care about, mislead and lie to her, string her along until he picks another girl.
Questions for your students
Guys, do you do this? Do you know someone who does this?
Girls, do you think guys do this? Do you know someone who has experienced “Kevin’s steps”?
If path leads to destination, where are these behaviors going to lead?
Do you think Kevin is a good catch (idiom for a good person to have a relationship with or to marry because they are attractive)? Give reason for your opinion.
Do you think Kevin will get married? Give reasons for your opinion.
If your answer is Yes, what type of girl would want to marry Kevin?
Describe the girl/woman Kevin would willing give up his male fantasy to marry and have kids.
Guy question — Would you like to be Kevin? Explain your answer.
Girl question — Would you want to date a guy like Kevin? Explain your answer.
*1 Wall Street Journal September 30, 2017 Cheap Sex and the Decline of Marriage